Goodbye Girl With Glasses

In 2017, I took a leave of absence* from work to heal from traumatic events and PTSD. It was a time of soul searching and defining myself.

My trauma had changed me and somehow I wanted the world to know I had changed, too. When it was time to return to work, I ordered my first pair of daily glasses - classic hipster, dark rim square glasses with a light purple interior.

Fun fact: This was the first time I told my social media about living with PTSD.

A girl with glasses became who I was - a nerdy girl, somewhat reserved, sleeping a lot, not very social, quiet… everything my PTSD had turned me into.

At first, I could quickly become my old self by wearing contacts and drinking sour cider (or a bottle of red wine). Part of my delusion was that I thought alcohol was working better than eye drops! [joy emoji] When I could muster the energy, or for a special event (usually one that allowed binge drinking), I would put on a smiling, social face and pretend for a while. It was actually fun… for a while.

My next pair of glasses were larger and darker than the first pair. It felt like the bigger my glasses, the more I could hide behind them - the more I could become invisible, blend in, not draw too much attention. Anyone who really knows me would know I’m not shy to attention, but this was during a time I was privately battling a dark disability. Things changed when I got my dog Mabel and my symptoms really turned around, read more in my post about Mabel and Me.

The following summer, I got sober. It was nearly impossible to wear my contacts without a liquor lubricant. My 28th birthday was days before my brother’s wedding, which was also my 90 days sober - challenging! My eyes were so raw and sore, I knew my contact days were over.

So then I wore my glasses for everything - all holidays, outdoors and even on some dates. Through a lot of healing, therapy, and intimacy coaching, (plus a supportive job that aligned with my values) I began to merge my old self with my symptoms and created my new self. That Christmas I got a pair of rose gold glasses and was the most joyous self I had been in a long time.

This was around the first time I considered lasik, but quickly rejected the idea due to the possible side effects - halos at night, etc.

A whole year, and a couple more pairs, later I went to the doctor for a new prescription and had an awful experience. It was bad enough that I immediately scheduled a consultation for lasik.

I imagined all the things I could do without the restrictions of my glasses - yoga, swimming, buying regular sunglasses. After much contemplation, I decided the side effects would just require me to wear glasses, and I was wearing glasses 100% of my waking hours anyway!

So now my face is naked. And in a weird way I feel a bit like my old self. Which is ironic because as part of my healing journey I had accepted that I would never be her again. I’ve been attached to my glasses like a security blanket but I’m starting to define who I am today.

It’s a real trip to catch myself in the mirror out of the shower, or doing yoga. I get to fall in love with myself all over again.

*This was covered by Family and Medical Leave (FMLA) and Oregon Family Leave Act (OFLA), if you and your doctor agree that you have a serious health condition that makes you unable to perform the essential functions of your job, this may be an option for you.