Going Soft

“Radio said speed it up, I just go slower.” - Beyonce

This morning I found yet another list of advice for hustle culture. The messages are all around us - do more, sleep less, profitize your creativity, work hard and play harder. We can always learn more ways to improve and become more efficient, but in an ever-increasingly-hard world, I have found it is better to soften.

Calling god to make sure I'm registered for the soft girl package

Since I have begun my journey of healing, the hard-ass, negative self talk doesn’t get me anywhere except curled up in bed. I used this tough interior through school, through an abusive relationship, and through denying my own trauma and PTSD. If you can’t do it, you’re not trying hard enough. This is your fault, what are you doing to put yourself here? Get up earlier, run farther, push harder, sweat it out. It would take me years to figure out this voice came from an emotionally immature, militaristic parent. (Quick plug for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, PDF here if you want it)

When the world was hard, I was hard right back. I was twice as hard, I was a concrete wall, no fear, no emotion. I fought fire with fire and I was destructive. Until it broke me.

I was never meant to be hard. It was out of alignment and out of integrity (see more about integrity in this post about upper limiting beliefs). I’m the little girl who used to cry when the lines on my socks weren’t straight across my toes. When the world is hard, it can be beneficial to shift and bend and be flexible. We are human, not made of stone. Emotions are powerful. And most often, the solution to a fire is water.

The voice inside my head now is so gentle and kind, and I am constantly working toward compassion and love. So when hustle culture comes knocking at my door, triggering my perfectionism, telling me I should sleep less to achieve more - the hair on the back of my neck stands up. I have already fought and won for my rest. I have softened to the physical need for 9 hours of sleep. Try as I might, without those 9 hours, I’ll be taking a nap.. which does happen sometimes for travel and concerts, etc. The goal of waking up at 6:45 am and accomplishing my morning routine simply means I go to sleep earlier. I am flexible enough to know when advice applies to me and when it doesn’t.

My emotions, the signals from my body, and vibes from other people are all priceless inputs of data. Mainstream culture ignores these qualities and labels them soft, sensitive, and feminine, instantly ruling them as inferior and unnecessary.

The way I live my life takes into account all my sensitivities, all my softness, and every emotion.

Below is a list of ways I have softened in my life for the better:

• Listen to my body when I need a day of rest and trust myself to know I will push when I have more energy to achieve my dreams

• Tap into my intuition - self care can mean epsom salts and bubble baths or it can mean a hard workout at the gym (I have 8 helpful tips on this if you subscribe below)

• Don’t beat myself up about having every minute of every day serve a purpose

• When someone upsets me, I work on compassion and forgiveness for that person

• If I’m having a conflict at work, I schedule time to talk to the person one on one (often about topics other than work) and we find a creative solution together

• Leave situations that won’t support my sensitivity

• Voice my boundaries and only spend time with people who will respect them

• Set realistic goals and make them happen

• Do the things that feel right in my bones

• Meditate and check in with myself

• Write down all the thoughts and feelings swirling in my head so I can make sense of them

• Forgive myself

• Ask for help

• Listen to the whispers of the universe and ask for guidance

• Constantly remind myself of my own humanity and the humanity of others

“Western cultures believe we must be alive for a purpose. To work, to make money. Some indigenous cultures believe we’re alive just as nature is alive: to be here, to be beautiful & strange. We don’t need to achieve anything to be valid on our humanness.” - Melanie Lau

Soften like waves, soften like butter,

soften like the love you can feel from your mother,

soften in the face of danger,

show the world your belly,

take off the weight of the world,

and maybe it won’t be so heavy.

By the way, if you’re interested in being a beta reader for my new book of poems AND want me to venmo you $15, please email me at janamariehodgins@gmail.com and let me know!