Showing Up Authentically

It was a tough week. Deposition on Wednesday, very cavalier domestic violence on Friday and Saturday, and Mabel was attacked on one of our walks. My body was tired. My brain was tired. Avoiding conflict meant avoiding my own kitchen so I hadn’t eaten anything of substance, mostly sticking to Starbucks Pink Drink, raspberry peach Rebel, and CBD sparkling water.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I didn’t want to do anything. A night of stress dreams felt like it would be a typical PTSD day, reducing activities for more manageable symptoms, and nursing fatigue with naps. It was chilly outside and I felt like I needed to isolate myself to decompress the stress. But that wasn’t true. The best medicine was actually getting up out of the house, into the sunshine. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without showing up as my whole self.

First, I asked my friend to call me and chat about our plans for the day. On the phone! Talk about growth. I asked about his expectations and explained some of my limitations for the day. As I got dressed I tried to find the fit for me. Swimsuits and my sporty outfit were not working. When I’m heightened, my skin becomes extra sensitive and materials can be overstimulating. I ended with a familiar favorite jean skirt and a new magenta crop top décollage cover up.

Instead of packing my paddleboard and preparing for all the work of blowing it up and packing it down, I considered what type of adventure would be right for me. A picnic at the park would work perfectly. I could sit in the sun and bring my book and still meet my friends at the river to hang out after they were done paddleboarding.

So I packed some snacks, prepared the cooler, and all of Mabel’s river items. I circled the park a couple of times finding the right spot. I instantly felt better when Mabel and I went down to the water to throw the ball. My friends floated up on the paddleboard and sat in the water as Mabel jumped in throw after throw to retrieve the tennis ball.

Then we sat in the sun eating snacks, people watching, and catching up. Even though I couldn’t gear up for a paddleboard adventure, I didn’t have to cancel. Believe me, I’ve canceled a lot of plans over the years. And I’ve lost a lot of friends, too. My friend was grateful I could still show up, regardless of our plans to paddleboard. It all worked out.

In the past, I’ve really considered this phrase cliché - Everything is going to be ok. I wouldn’t hear it, couldn't hear it, and felt completely unseen by anyone who told me it was going to be ok. It wasn’t ok. It hadn’t worked out. I had to honor my path and my experience. But at this place in my life, it’s all going to work out because no matter what happens, I will be ok.

We can always work within our boundaries. It starts with honoring how you're feeling, and it grows by being honest with the people and relationships around you. Even when it can feel stressful, remember you are capable of walking through this and figuring it out.